5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE
PARTNER
(RABBI DOV HELLER, M.A.)
A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are
making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love."
I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life
partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically
correct, there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on Love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1:
* Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20
or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do
with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can growapart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and
marry someone who Wants the same thing.
QUESTION 2:
* Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"
or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe
with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION 3:
* Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
the right thing."
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is
this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone
whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are
dedicated to personal growth, and people who are dedicated to seeking
comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.
QUESTION 4:
* How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver,
etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given
them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you—who
can't do nearly as much for them!
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat
you poorly as well.
QUESTION 5:
* Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change
after marriage ... for the worse!"
If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are
not ready to marry them.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be
sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in
love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,
you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.
